Take it Easy

I felt a tightness in my chest this afternoon when I left the shores of Utila, bound for home and the cold. I have to say that it was an unfamiliar tightness, one that I haven't felt all that often. I spent a good portion of the ferry ride to La Ceiba trying to piece together what the feeling is all about. Now I sit in the same hostel I did nearly two months ago, this time wearing a jacket and feeling as if my toes might be a little numb from the cold. Oh how things have changed.

It is hard to  fully grasp how things have changed actually. So much has. My world outlook isn't much different. My politics are largely the same. Religion certainly hasn't entered into the picture. So what has? I came to Utila looking for answers. I don't think I realized this when first arriving, but I have come to understand that now. And in a way, Utila has provided a lot of them. Maybe not all of them, but certainly a number.

Post-graduation was a really confusing time for me. A second ago I typed the line "I knew exactly what I didn't want to do" and had to delete it because even that isn't true. I didn't even really have a clear idea of what I didn't want to do. I just knew that I had to do something. But what? What called to me? I didn't have an answer. For the first time in my life I didn't have an answer. And it was really scary. Really scary.

I left home for Utila with a nonchalance that I have never known before. Going away has always been a big deal for me. Even leaving to go to school each semester was a big deal. For the first time I feel like I just shrugged, jumped on the plane, and let the adventure take me where it wanted. Because of that I think that I have learned far more than I ever thought that I would. A trip that was just about doing some diving has become a trip about much more than diving.

I am finding it difficult to know where to start. Maybe a fresh slate is the best place. I came to Utila feeling like I had a completely fresh slate. No one knew who I was, no one knew my story. I could be anyone I wanted to be. I quickly found out that I could do anything I wanted to as well. Cocaine? Sure, a few bucks in the right hand and I could be snorting cocaine. Wild partying every single night? That was there too. I could be cool or I could be chill, I could be the kid from a small town or the one that pretends to be tough and from a big city. No one knew me. I'll say that I decided, but it was nothing as significant or definite as that. I just became Andrew. If that sounds a little crazy that is okay. Because it is a little crazy. But just a little bit. I firmly believe that in life we can either be ourselves or we can pretend to be someone else, and I think most people spend a lot of their lives pretending they are someone else. The people that are the happiest are happy because they are not pretending to be anyone else. They are just following their hearts and being the best person they know how to be. And that is what I have tried to do these past two months. The result has surprised me a little bit. Not because I have become a party hound or a cocaine addict. As you can imagine, those things didn't and don't appeal to me. That isn't me. But the person that I am, deep inside, is not necessarily the person I thought I was. The person that I have found to be Andrew is not the same person I thought Andrew was when he came to this island (stopping with third person, it is getting way too confusing).
I found that I can be the kind of person that people genuinely want to have around and spend time with. I've never considered myself to be that social of a person and I have never, ever, been the life of the party. It'll sound silly if you know him, and I am sure I am going to hear about this from him, but I've never considered myself to be a "Pat". What I have found though is that I can be if I just let go of everything and be myself. I can make people laugh, I can tell interesting stories. I can share parts of myself with people who I essentially don't know without fear. And I have found that people really, truly do enjoy being around me. I feel super ego maniacal right now writing all of this, but in a way that can't be helped. And I don't mean it in that way. I don't mean it in the "hey everyone look at me I am awesome" way. I mean it in the "I just found out some things about myself that I truly didn't know before, look at me" way.
I guess what I am saying is that this past month I have discovered how real I can be. How good it feels to be real. I have been 100% Andrew since stepping on the island. It hasn't been without its speedbumps and problems. But it has been eye opening. I feel as if I could go anywhere right now and find a life, find friends and a place. That wasn't a feeling I came here with. That isn't something I knew when I arrived here.

I did an awful job explaining that but I hope you understood it at least a little bit. If not, oh well.

Coming here also answered a few of the "what next" questions I had been having. And these were huge. Not having a path, not having "something to do", was really hard for me. It still is really hard for me. But it has gotten easier. Being here I have realized that no one in the world knows what they want to do. What colleges do to you is lie about what you "should" be feeling as you complete it. They tell you that after four years you'll have a degree and a path and a vision. Which isn't necessarily untrue, it just isn't the full truth. What you aren't told, or what isn't demonstrated in "the way of the world" is that the chances of you knowing what you want to do are slim, and the only way to know is to experience the world. How many people did I meet these past two months had no idea what they wanted to do? Most of them. And most of them were okay with that. In a way it taught me to be okay with it too. I don't need to know anymore. I just need to go out and do and by doing that, life will fall right into my lap. Before I realize what is happening I will be doing something, will be going somewhere.

Which brings me to my "what next". I fell in love with diving on the island of Utila. I had an inkling before, but now I know for sure. I love it so incredibly much. I guess I have written a lot about diving but never explained why I love it so much. I am not even sure that I could explain it. Its really nothing more than the fact that once I get underwater I feel at peace and I feel present. And every single time I go underwater it is the coolest experience I have ever had. Every dive has something that makes it special. Take today for instance. I did two dives that were, by and large, average. I didn't see anything spectacular. The conditions were pretty shitty, all things considered. But they were absolutely amazing. I was diving sidemount and while both dives lasted about an hour, I would have stayed down for twice that long. I just love being underwater. I can't describe it beyond that. I took my mask off and just hung motionless, with nothing but my breathing. It was unreal. And I want to do that every single day until I get tired of it. Which may be never. Rather than do some mediocre job for a couple of months at a time to pay for dive trips, why not skip all of that and work directly in the dive industry? That is my "what next?" I want to be a scuba instructor. There is so much about diving that I want to learn. For the first time in a long time I feel hungry to learn. Teach me about dive equipment. Teach me how to fill tanks and mix gasses. Teach me how to dive in a cave. I want to learn so much and there is so much to learn.
So my next step is to save up enough money to do IDC (instructor development course) somewhere, probably in Thailand. Diving is what I want to do, and that is the next step. Period.

So when it all comes down to it, what was that tightness in my chest? Everything I have written is an attempt to answer that, but none of it really does. Part of that is my fault. I am having trouble being coherent and writing what I want to say tonight.
Ultimately, the tightness in my chest was because I was leaving a life that was really really easy. Doing something you love is really, really easy. Waking up each morning to dive was the easiest thing I have ever done. Spending each moment of each day just being who you are and not pretending to be someone else is really easy. Having friends is not always easy. But when you realize who your friends are and realize how good their friendship feels, and you make sure that the time you spend is around them, that is really easy.

And all of a sudden it has hit me. No really, it just hit me in the face. Sitting here on this bed, realizing that I am actually starting to sweat again, I have realized what it is all about. Its about taking it easy. The lesson Utila has taught me is that life should be easy. And any time it isn't, you need to make a change so that it is easy. That sounds as if I am ignoring all the hard times, making them less than they are. Trust me, I am not. I know hard times, and I know just how unbelievably hard they can be. But life should be easy. We should all work to cultivate an easy life. When life is easy, it is really, really good. It feels great. Life has, for the most part, been easy these last two months, and I know that I will miss that greatly.

I also know that I will miss the diving. Getting up each morning and diving was the absolute best way to spend time. Life won't be the same without it.
I will miss my friends here. It is strange to know that you will likely never talk to someone again, much less see them again. By and large that is true of most of the people I have met here. Hopefully I will see some of them again. There are some that I know I will, and that makes leaving a tad bit easier.

And so comes to an end one of the least satisfying blog posts I have ever written. I mostly just feel frustrated because I don't think that I expressed myself how I wanted to. But I guess it will all just have to wait until you see me next. Maybe then I will be able to express the things I feel. Then again, maybe not.

I thank you for taking the time to read this blog and look at the photos. I have loved all the feedback and it has been really rewarding once again to share my stories with the people I love. I hope you have enjoyed it as much as I have.

Until next time, take it easy. It is the best thing you can do.
El Gringo signing off

P.S. SNURRRRRRRRR (that makes sense to someone, don't worry)