Snorkel Tested, Utila Approved

Boy, you tell a few people you have a blog and all of a sudden there is serious demand for some product! Forget about having a life people, I gotta blog! Now I know why the newspaper industry is so competitive (up until the internet was invented and people realized they could get it for free! Yay internet!) Unfortunately I have been under the weather the last couple of days and blogging has been the last thing on my mind. Puking and sleeping were on the forefront, if you were curious. I blame it on too much fun, too little sleep, possibly a little too much to drink, and too much pizza that might have had something bad in it. What you are left with is Andrew in bed for four days thinking he is going to go crazy because his "cozy" room of the last month is starting to feel more like a prison cell.

But alas, I survived. Thank God. Because without me, there would be no blog, and without a blog...well I think some people would be lost. So for everyone who has been diligently waiting, I apologize for the wait and hope that this is up to your standards. I would also like to note that according the the statistics of my blogging website, the most viewed post in my blog wasn't even written by me. What up with that people?!! Alex is fantastic and all, and a much better blogger than she gives herself credit for, but I'm the gringo here! She actually speaks Spanish and has street smarts! Don't you want to hear from the bumbling American??
Anyways, back to the blogging. Got a little carried away there with the wanting love and attention thing. It's fine, many years from now my therapist will pinpoint this moment as the root of all my problems. No big deal. Carry on.

So, Halloween. Anyone who knows me knows that there are several absolute truths about Andrew. #1) If the house or kitchen is dirty for much longer three days, OCD kicks in and I quickly devolve into a human swiffer/clorox wipe . #2) If I don't get a tight twelve hours of sleep, I get cranky. And even if I get a tight twelve, but you make fun of me for sleeping more than the average panda bear, I will be cranky. And finally, #3) I hate Halloween. I hate it I hate it I hate it. If God designed a hell for me it would consist of an eternally dirty house that I can never clean because it is Halloween every single night and I am forced to dress up and prepare. Ugh. Something about dressing up just doesn't jive with me. And being social? Forget it. That's Ally's department, not mine!

Lucky me though, I have great friends on the island and between them and my snorkel test, I actually enjoyed my Halloween this year. Let's recap.

The evening started with me sitting in my room hydrating, thinking of all the excuses I could use for not wearing a costume. "I'm allergic to fun" and "It's against my religion" were the leading choices. Finally, Alex called me up to her pad and insisted that we come up with a sweet costume. We decided to go with Cookie Monster, as she had some blue shorts that matched a blue shirt I had and, well that is about the extent of it. She crafted some eyes out of cardboard and paper, slapped them on a headband and all of a sudden, I could actually pass as The Monster. The only problem was that she alternatively gagged until she couldn't breath and laughed until she couldn't breath due to the shorts she had loaned me. They were...short. I thought they were attractive but apparently chalk white, hairy thighs aren't for everyone. Huh.
Tom, another DM who lives two doors down from Alex, came over to see how likely it was that everyone at this party would be in costume. Which really meant, "can I get away with not wearing one?". The answer was no, of course, this is Utila and people would dress up on any day they could if you gave them an excuse. So Tom disappeared to talk to his fiance Aggie and returned several minutes later wearing a skirt and a bikini top. Now that's more like it!
Somehow better able to stomach me in a sarong and a bikini top, Alex loaned me one of her tops and I provided my own sarong. Kidding. She loaned me that too. A bandana from Aggie topped the outfit and we were set to go. Tom suggested a tatoo of some kind and so, as icing on the cake, we both got tramp stamps. Did I mention I hate Halloween and dressing up? Thought so.

This is me hating Halloween.

The girls were outfit-less and this would not stand, so we worked on brainstorming something. At hand was a large cardboard box, some rope, a sharpie, and... yup that's pretty much it. Clearly there is only one thing that comes out of that: terrorists. Freedom hating terrorists. PC? Maybe not. But this is Utila, PC is sooo last year.

They are every bit as tough as they look. Watch out!

Arms manufacturing.

I love you Mom.

Terrorists and innocent spring breakers, we were set to go. An hour later than "fashionably late", we strolled into the party to the collective gasp of most on lookers. On the way Alex heard some kids talking about my boobs in Spanish. I forget the word they used but loosely translated I think it meant "my what gorgeous and full breasts that man has". Or something along those lines.

The party was in full swing, with DJ Jhair (one of the IDC instructors) spinning his magic. Almost immediately I was pulled onto the dance floor and fondled a bit. A common theme throughout the night actually. Ladies have it tough!

Jhair!

"Scuba Mom" Sara

I'm thinking of making it permanent. Thoughts?

We danced, chatted, and otherwise avoided thinking about our impending doom (snorkel test) until the music was killed and everyone began gathering around the bar. It was time. I lost the bikini top in an effort to keep it clean and free from beer or anything else that might be flowing forth. Millie and Halie went one further and grabbed trash bags to put on. These would come in handy.
Millie, Halie and I were the first three up and, as Declan bellowed out welcoming remarks, we made our way to the three stools set up in front of the bar. Tom, Jessie, and James looked on with fifty to a hundred other people, most of whom had experienced the famous snorkel test at one point or another in their Utila lives (who knows, maybe some had experienced it in their non-Utila lives. Hard for me to say.)

My mentor, Maya, sat behind me and gently slipped the mask over my face, whispering advice in my ear. Her advice essentially amounted to, "if you need to breath, bite the snorkel". I wasn't sure what that had to do with anything but hey, advice is advice and I'd be stupid to turn it down. Mask on my face, I flashed my fellow test takers the "okay" sign and jammed the snorkel into my mouth. I also slipped a finger under the mask to break the seal, allowing me to breath through my nose. No need to equalize on this particular dive.
Led by Declan, the crowd chanted ARE. YOU. READY? as Maya and the others began pouring things into our snorkels. Beer was the first thing to hit my mouth, followed by what must have been rum and coke. Swallow. Breath. Swallow. Breath. Swallow. Breath.

I was dimly aware of cheering and chanting but was far too focused on the task to care much. After what seemed like a gallon and a half of various liquids I heard Maya in my ear, "you're almost done, almost done". And finally, I was. All done. No sweat. Except for that small child of beer and soda foam sitting in my stomach just begging to get out. I graciously accepted my t-shirt, high fived Halie and Millie and made my way through the crowd. Puking on people was not on my to-do list. Apparently it was on Halie's though. Immediately after spitting out her snorkel she also spit out a good portion of dinner. Thank God for that bag. Myself? I gave a burp any man would be proud of and called it good. In fact, I felt great! Considering I had just chugged beer and countless other drinks through a snorkel, I felt like a million bucks. And we were certified DM's! Official. I even have a t-shirt to prove it.

This is the woman responsible for my sidemount addiction. Meet Mary!

And so ended (more or less) a Halloween night that was, ultimately, not that bad, if not fun. Not necessarily because it was Halloween, but because I was surrounded by friends celebrating an accomplishment. From making costume's, to dancing, to doing the snorkel test, I felt happy to be around cool people celebrating the pleasures of life. While I will likely not talk to 98% of these people ever again, much less see them again, I have nonetheless spent the past couple of months with them, and they have been fun, fun times.

In a couple of days it comes to a close. I feel ready to get off the island, but not ready to stop diving or spending time with my favorite people here. Jumping in the water for the first time yesterday after being out of it for four days was like heaven. It felt so natural, so right, to be underwater. And I don't want to leave that. But I see a lot more of that in my future, so taking a short break should be okay.

Stay tuned for the final blog post, coming in the next couple of days. My diving is hardly done, and I plan on making the most of the next couple of days. Just no more snorkel tests or dressing up. I pray.

Until next time,
Divemaster Gringo signing off